Daily life

I am not doing so great…

Hey guys! I am so sorry it’s been a while since I have posted.

So I got better for a few days. I saw my doctor and he didn’t changed my medicines. Everything was great!

And then,

I crashed.

I got depressed and suicidal. I cut myself to. So now I am still suicidal and depressed. I am not cutting right now (yay!) but I still have the thoughts. My doctor is currently on vacation and I am over here being depressed and suicidal. Not fair! So I am waiting for a call about starting ECT treatments. I increased my medicines so hopefully that will help.

I am depressed, stressed, exhausted, and suicidal. Bipolar sucks. 

I am making it. I promise you guys I am safe. I WILL NOT cut again. I just making. I am praying that something works like my medicines or ECT. I just want to get better. 

Everyone is starting back school but I am taking a semester off of college. I am not ready for college and that’s okay.

So, I will keep going. Things aren’t so good but I am here. I am alive and I am making it.

Thank you so much listening!

I love you all!๐Ÿ’œ

-xoxo Renae๐Ÿ’•

Daily life

I am NOT my illness!๐Ÿ’•

I realized after talking to mom that, my identity is my illnesses. I learned I am actually doing better than I think I am. I am still depressed but I am getting better. I identify with bipolar, depression, anxiety, and social anxiety. I am so much more than my illnesses. I am Renae: creative, smart, beautiful, cat lover, singer, writer, coffee obsessed, book nerd, and child of God. I am NOT my illness. I also learned that I am so used to being depressed I don’t know how to be happy. I have decided that I am done with identifying with my illnesses and I am going to fight for recovery. I have decided that I want to live. I am ready to be happy again. I am going to fight for recovery. I can and I will get better. Yes, I am still depressed but I have changed my mind set. Now I am ready to be happy again. I can do this. I know I will still feel sad, that’s okay. I will keep fighting anyways. I am not giving up! Today I actually feel better. I am happy today. I am going to enjoy this and keep going so I can have more happy days. I am going to define myself as Renae not my illnesses. I am ready for this fight. My fight for recovery. I have hope. Let’s do this!๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’œ

You are NOT your illness babe!

You are sweet, smart, beautiful, amazing, and a child of God.

Don’t give up darling. I believe in you!

Thank you so much for listening to me, all your love, support, and prayers. 

You guys are the best!๐Ÿ˜˜

I love you all!

Let’s fight for recovery!

-xoxo Renaeโค๏ธ

Daily life

I am holding on๐ŸŒŸ

Hey guys so things have been kinda crazy. My moods have been up and down. Somedays I feel better but at night is when the sadness hits. Other days I wake up feeling sad and feel even worse at night. I am having a hard time sleeping. My mind just races at night so I can’t sleep. I am on SOO much sleep medicines but I can’t sleep. I don’t do well when I don’t get enough sleep. But I went off on one of my medicines which I think has caused me not to sleep. I went off that and I actually slept good last night. My sadness has been bad. In the mornings I have a hard time getting out of bed. I just feel so depressed. But I do get out of bed. I do things throughout the day, I keep myself pretty busy. But I always end up feeling depressed. I jusy generally feel exhausted and depressed. I have had some suicidal thoughts but not a lot. (Yay!) I am just hanging in there. I am fighting it. I am going to keep going. I know I am going to get better it’s just taking forever for me to be stable again. I have bipolar so my moods change all the time, I just wish I could get out of this depression already. But I am making it. I am holding on๐Ÿ’•

You keep holding on to babe.

I love you!

I believe in you!

Thank you for listening.

I love you๐Ÿ’œ

-xoxo Renaeโค๏ธ

Daily life

I keep going

So guys. Lately I have been really depressed. Last night the suicidal thoughts came back, but I didn’t do anything. It’s just been really hard being so depressed. At night time is when it hits, it’s just exhausting. Throughout the day I am okay, it’s just when the sadness hits, it’s hell. But I am making it. I still do things throughout the day. I go places, keep up with chores, write poetry, yesterday I practiced golf (yes I play golf and it’s awesome.) So I am not letting depression stop me from living my life. It’s just hard. Being depressed is exhausting. But I am not giving up. I keep on going despite what depression thinks. So I am making it. It’s hard but I am making it.

You keep going to babe.

I believe in you!

I love you!

Thank you for listening!

-xoxo Renae๐Ÿ’œ

Daily life

I graduated high school today!๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’•

Today was a day I never thought I would live to see.

Today I graduated high school!๐Ÿ’•๐ŸŽ‰

It has been a long road to get here. When I was 13 is when my illness hit and my life was shattered. I got diagnosed with depression, bipolar, anxiety, and social anxiety. The years 13-16 were the hardest years of my life. I was in and out of mental hospitals. I ended up going to a mental hospital four times. I was in an abusive relationship, I was depressed, and suicidal. My life was a wreck. I was planning my death and I promised myself that I would kill myself before I turned 15. But, I didn’t.

I am standing here today telling you that I am 19 and I graduated high school. Living with mental illness: is hell. But somehow, you just have to keep going. You have to keep going.

I am living proof that IT DOES GET BETTER! Because I am alive here today and that is something to be proud of.

I just want to encourage you that if you feel like giving up: please don’t. I know it’s tough and you just want to give up, please don’t. Keep going. It does get better. I believe in you.

I graduated high school today and I am so happy. Today was a good day๐Ÿ’œ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’•

Thank you guys for helping me and today I start new chapter of my life. I know it’s going to be tough, but I am ready. I choose to live!๐ŸŒŸ

I love you!โค๏ธ

-xoxo Renae๐Ÿ’•

Daily life

Light of hopeโ˜€๏ธโœจ๐ŸŒŸ

Today I feel hopeful!

Yesterday I applied and interviewed for a job. This would be my first job. It’s at a restaurant, I really hope I get it (fingers crossed!) Next Saturday I am graduating from high school. Then in August I will start college. 


Things are changing! And for the first time in months I feel hope. Hope that I am going to get better. Hope that “this to shall pass.” Hope that I won’t be depressed forever. I am bipolar, so my moods are always changing. I finally feel a light of hope. 

These past few months have been horrible. Depression and suicidal thoughts have been kicking my butt. But for the first time in months, I finally feel like I am going to get better. I know it’s going to take time, but I am ready. I am ready to have a good summer, graduate, get a job, and start college. I can’t end my life right now, I have to many things I want to do. 

I am ready to recover. I am ready to be stable and happy again. This to shall pass. I pray that this is the start of something amazing.

Thank you guys for all your love and support. I love you. I believe in you!๐Ÿ’œ

-xoxo Renae๐Ÿ’• 

Daily life

Fighting for recovery!๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’•

I have decided to fight for recovery!

Lately I have been letting depression and suicidal thoughts consume me. I want to get better. I don’t want to die. I have to choose recovery. I have to fight for it!

I am ready to live again. Today I interviewed for a job and hopefully I will get it. I am tired of letting depression walk all over me. Yes, I am probably going to be really depressed tonight. But I have to keep going. 

I have to choose to live or die.

I choose live!

I know this is going to be a battle. I know I am still going to be depressed. But I want to keep going.

It’s time to fight for recovery!

Let’s fight for recovery babe.

I believe in you.

I love you!

-xoxo Renae๐Ÿ’œ